Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
