I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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