She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Randomize