4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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