her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
