we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
