he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
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