Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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