i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
