1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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