im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
