I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
you told grandpa to call you daddy
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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