Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
