the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You know, be my cock's hype man.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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