I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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