i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize