as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm like, not good at living.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
