his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
