Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
