Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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