Umm I'm too high to move.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
