so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
