Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
