News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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