I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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