Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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