Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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