just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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