Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
