She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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