I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
