He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
