dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
