I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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