Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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