I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
