I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize