Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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