meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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