when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
