Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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