I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
