i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
