Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
