Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
