haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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