I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
