New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
