Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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