don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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