Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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