i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
