i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Randomize
