I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just google imaged poop.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
