Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
