I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
