someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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