it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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