these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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