Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
