Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
